The Merry Month of May

Time to flex those chuckle muscles…

Yes, the first of my ‘Truly Foul & Cheesy Jokes & Facts‘ books are now out – with another 6 to hit the world later in the year. Get ready to laugh and learn!









Thanks to PARENTS IN TOUCH for some nice reviews…                     

History Jokes and Facts (Truly Foul & Cheesy)  History is far from boring in this hilarious, fact-packed joke book which will have young readers laughing as they are learning. And that’s the real point – there is so much to be learnt through this humorous approach, and the way the information is presented means it is very memorable. It features dozens of gut-busting gags that children can share with their friends, themed around the gross and gruesome aspects of history, along with bite-sized information about the topics covered – and plenty of hilarious illustrations. Prepare to hear lots of grizzly and gruesome facts!

Science Jokes and Facts (Truly Foul & Cheesy Joke Book)  Books like this are brilliant to encourage children to read – just leave a copy lying around and they won’t be able to resist dipping in; and once they do, they will be hooked! There are plenty of unpleasant things in science, from the horrible death of astronomer Tycho Brahe to the top ten odd habits of Nikola Tesla; no, I’m not telling – you’ll have to get your own copy of the book to find out! The humour is blended with plenty of factual information which children will absorb as they enjoy the book, increasing their interest in and knowledge of science.

Animal Jokes and Facts (Truly Foul & Cheesy Joke Book)  Another fascinating blend of joke and fact, perfect to give children plenty of quotable quotes. Riddles, jokes long and short, and plenty of interesting facts combine with hilarious illustrations to offer children plenty of laughs on every page, whilst increasing their knowledge about wildlife. A series which children are going to love.

We hope you’ll ALL love ’em!

So far, this Summer Term has been sizzling. The wonderful primary school in the village of Stokeinteignhead (quite a mouthful and however do they learn to spell it?) was a brilliant place to visit and I think Class 2’s jokes were even cheesier than mine! A big thanks for such enthusiasm and all the fun.

John Ferneley College in Melton Mowbray has a buzzing little library where I met some delighful characters for workshops, then spoke to the whole of Year 7, 8 and 9 in the auditorium. Guess what – they taught me a new word: ephebiphobia. Apparently, it’s the fear of teenagers. Fortunately, the teens of JF aren’t tooo scary! 

Student Quotes

Student, Zack said, “I was impressed with John Townsend, he was very entertaining. I liked it because his books have lots of factual information and it was interesting when he explained how he writes his stories. His new book “The Stone Balancer” looks really thrilling and I can’t wait to read it. I also liked the interactive sessions with the code-breaking exercises.”

Sandhu said, “I was sat near the front of the stage and when John Townsend was telling one of his spider stories he pounced and made me jump, it was really funny. I was fascinated and I want to read all his books. I bought a signed copy of one of his joke books.”

Staff Quotes

“I had the opportunity to take part in John Townsend’s presentation and his work shop. John’s workshop was inspiring, he really understood both the interests and the needs of the children taking part, John enabled some students who find English particularly hard to develop their confidence and skills in creative writing, I would definitely recommend him to others”.

Another said,” John Townsend was absolutely brilliant. He worked his magic on students who are normally reluctant to engage, they joined in fully and were actually using their imagination. They were sucked in by the way John Townsend expressed his stories and his hypnotic presence. It was a fun way of learning for the students, he was totally inspirational.”

It was then a quick dash down the M5 to Maidenhill School in Gloucestershire to meet years 7-9 and enjoy the company of the fantastic English department and busy school library. Thanks for the great welcome and for insisting on a photograph by the red phone box at the foot of the stairs, which I’m convinced is Maidenhill’s very own Tardis because the minute I stepped inside, I was back home.

Oh we do like to be beside the seaside

Just when you thought it was safe to head down to the beach…

Image result for stone balancing

Click on the cover of The Stone Balancer below for a video trailer to whisk you off to the seaside in summer… and a mysterious tale.

Raven Books

Click on RAVEN above for all the latest from the team or visit on FACEBOOK & TWITTER

Join us for a paddle by the pier… but beware of the stones!

Click on this picture to see more and to read the start of THE STONE BALANCER.

Sizzling Science in Essex

British Science week 2017

What a scintillatingly scientifically splendiferous Science Week it’s been in Essex again this year. Year 7s at Great Baddow High School were sparking and on form as we dabbled in the wacky world of wow science and what a great bunch Year 5s from Larkrise School and Beehive Lane School were. Thanks for a great time and for the fantastic creative writing from 7B!

Then it was off to Sweyne Park School in Rayleigh (my tenth year, no less) to meet yet more sparky, sizzly and buzzy year 7s as we explored ‘Beastly Science’ and how animals are inspiring the world of robotics, medicine and cutting-edge technology. But yes, we also dipped into foul and cheesy jokes/facts from my new books – out any time soon. Thanks to all for groaning politely and another great welcome in your FAB library.

Click on the covers to find them on AMAZON, as well as 2 brand new ‘ANIMAL GIFT BOOKS’ out very soon.

Click on the Book House link below to find out more!

Book House

Another Manic March

Once again, like all those mad March hares, children’s writers have been leaping up and down the land for World Book Day. For me, this has been World Book WEEK, hopping up and down the country to meet hundreds (actually, well over a thousand) enthusiastic readers in fantastic school libraries.

First up was Kennet School in Thatcham, where I was delighted to return for a couple of days to the massively impressive library (with super-efficient library staff running a wow Book Week). Year 5s dropped in, as well as all year 7s and a fair few year 8s who shared many a spooky tale to help my research. I warned them I might give them nightmares – but they ended up scaring me! My new book THE STONE BALANCER tempted a fair few readers so do let me know what you think when you’ve read it.

Next I dropped in once again to The Chase School in Malvern for workshops in the very posh library. Years 7 and 9 shared some amazing yarns and we delved into some weird and wonderful ‘tales of the unexplained.’ Thanks for a great welcome.

For World Book Day I was back for my fourth visit to the SPLENDIFERABULOUS Parks Primary in Leicester. Once more, the outfits were amazing and thanks for humouring me as I tested out some of my cheesy jokes from my forthcoming series. We even dabbled in the world of sharks and the ‘humungusalodon’. The writing from Year 6 in the workshop on Operation Code-Cracker was astounding so thanks for having me back for WBD 2017.

To finish off the week I was back next door at the FANTASTILASTIC Stokes Wood Primary in Leicester. Our ‘Crazy Creatures’ theme was great fun and years 3 & 4 were brilliant when we went on another outrageous LION HUNT – you were brilliant. The school was buzzing with even more enthusiasm and the year 5 writing group did some amazing imaginative work – a big thanks to all. A fabuous end to a perfect week!

So… where to next? Back on the road soon…

‘A first-class read, full of adventure and ultimate hope – a real page-turner! A remarkable murder mystery with all sorts of ramifications. Not for the overly sensitive or vulnerable. I particularly liked the ending… Great stuff!’  

HealthyBooks logo

Raven books is an imprint of Ransom Publishing, focusing on Young Adult fiction. The imprint was launched in 2016 and has a growing range of fiction titles from well-known authors such as Malcolm Rose, Rosemary Hayes, Jill Atkins and Barbara Catchpole.

For more details, contact Jenny Ertle on 01730 829091 or at

New books for 2017

Get ready for a real mix of new titles over the next few months. There’ll be fiction, comic verse and wacky nonfiction with plenty of jokes. First up is a murder mystery novel set by the sea. Just when you thought it was safe to go down the cliff path to the beach and collect some stones…

Look out for The Stone Balancer from Raven – available from February.

December Delights

What a great time it’s been on these chilly dark mornings, braving howling gales, lashing downpours and an iced-up car to get to fantastic schools chock-a-block with keen readers and sizzling librarians.

A big THANKS to Brixham Primary School for an awesome day of stories with Years 5 & 6. What a great school, with a delightfully cosy library. Then came Tor Bridge High School in Plymouth with its megamazing library and megastonishing librarian! Sorry I arrived like a drowned rat, having had a bit of a fight with Storm Angus (I lost). Next came Cotham School in Bristol (my fifth visit) with fantastic goings-on with year 7 Reading Champions. Then it was a quick zoom up the motorway to Bellfield Junior School in Birmingham where I’m always impressed by Year 6 writers. They’re also into Accelerated Reader so I was more than happy to deliver a few of my books before crossing Birmingham to the fabulous Redhill Primary School and the absolutely delightful Class 3. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve returned to this lovely school so thank you for another warm welcome on a frosty day (at least it wasn’t snowing this time).

I was able to tell everyone about my new adventure story – finally published at last! Strangers on a Plane is now available as a ‘fast read’ to quicken the pulse and race the heart – so you may need to have a lie down after reading of Toby’s scary antics at Paris Airport. Try not to have too many nightmares but sit back and enjoy a very Happy READING Christmas and I hope to see you in the New Year!


To find out more of latest titles, take a peep at my AMAZON PAGE here


National Nonfiction November

Hey – guess what… November is far more than the month of winds, mist, rain, fireworks and American elections. It’s NATIONAL NON-FICTION NOVEMBER (applause, cheers, cymbals, dancers and squeals of delight) when writers of information books get even more excited than usual. We celebrate the WOW books that give us Windows On Worlds Of Wonder (WOWOW!) Take a look at all the brilliant articles/blogs by clicking on this link .

If you like your information books with plenty of yuck and gross, peppered with wacky jokes, limericks and sizzling in cheesiness, then look out for my new series out in 2017 from the fabulicious Book House. Enjoy!








Autumn Term is full of great things. Apart from all the buzz of a new school year, there’s National Poetry Day on 6th October, followed by National Non-Fiction November – so look out for all sorts going on. I’ve got some new books coming out soon to suit both events – details here before very long. There are also free wacky history play sketches available right now, just waiting for you to perform – take a peep here:- Fun & Free Plays By John Townsend On The New Salariya Website


Based on a Key Stage 2 children’s history series You Wouldn’t Want To Be, these short plays can be downloaded from the site and performed in school.

Back-in-the-day, schools couldn’t seem to get enough short wacky play scripts, comic sketches and daft melodramas packed with putrid puns (to say nothing of alliteration). Children could read them together in little groups, groan at the jokes and chuckle collectively. I used to write and edit such material unashamedly because I knew how even the most reluctant reader could enter comfortably the world of group reading, where silly one-liners delivered not just a giggle but also good-humoured peer approval.

Since those days, when sniggering huddles of pupils at wet breaks in the library read together such titles as ‘Cowboys, Jelly and Custard’ (maybe not one of my finest literary works), I have been writing more standard fare for school libraries – albeit with a dash of silliness when I can get away with it. But I rue the day when sets of play scripts were packed away into that cupboard where so much tried and tested stuff ends up… and to which the key seems to be permanently lost.

Publishers no longer seem interested in ‘funny short plays’ because there are now worthier priorities. But never fear… have I got news for you?


Suddenly David Salariya beckoned out of the blue. “How about some comic play sketches to accompany our ever-popular history series You Wouldn’t Want To Be…?” Reading for fun was back. Halleluiah!

It was my pleasure to read through this splendid history series and write a dozen play sketches, each for just six characters – all having short lines of dialogue for easy reading or performing. Yes, the plays are daft, but they also contain nuggets from the books and additional information about the period they illustrate.

Apart from being awash with puns, wacky characters and crazy misunderstandings, the scripts range from pantomime to melodrama to farce and hip-hop. I couldn’t resist the occasional TV parody, either; Egyptian mummy-making a la ‘Master Chef’ or the ancient Roman game show ‘I’m a Gladiator… Get Me Out of Here’.

‘The Great Fire of London’ features Samuel Pepys recording a video diary:-

Samuel: Good day, dear diary. It is very early on Sunday 2nd September. It smells as if Jane is already up and cooking something rather fiery.

Elisabeth: You’re talking in your sleep, Samuel. Blow out the candle and return to bed. It is only three o’clock in the morning. What’s that smell?

Samuel: I don’t think it is me, dearest. It must be the candle.

Jane: (Calling at the door) Sir, madam… the sky over the city is red.

Samuel: Then it should be a fine day later. You know what they say; ‘red sky at night, shepherd’s delight…’

Elisabeth: Unless the shepherd is on fire. Open the door in your night gown, Samuel.

Samuel: But I don’t have a door in my night gown, dearest.


OK – you get the gist.  Just a bit of fun – but why not give the downloadable scripts a try? After all, such delights were all the rage back in the day… and we all know that ground-breaking retro is the new, bright tomorrow.

Click here to visit the Fun & Free section of the Salariya website to find the plays and much more.

Let me know how the plays go if you try them out. In the meantime, I might see you on my school visits this term when I may just tell you about my new novel coming out next year. So far, it’s a bit of a secret but anytime soon I’ll be spilling the beans about a scary mystery on the beach at the end of summer. Just when you thought it was safe to go for a paddle…  Happy Autumn Term!

PS  A HUGE thanks to the brilliant KS2 children at Hazeldown School in Teignmouth. What a charming bunch. It was an honour to open their new school library, supported by a fantastic PTA. How wonderful to visit a primary school with a real live dynamic librarian! A great start to the term.                                                                                           This is what Year 5 wrote in their blog:-

image Today the children were given a real treat as they met the famous author John Townsend. John entertained them with tales from his own life and his inspiration for writing both fiction and non-fiction books. Some children were able to get involved with role play. There was much laughter throughout the whole session.

Plays into Books

     Flashback : Sharp Shades 2.0 - John Townsend      Death on Toast : Sharp Shades 2.0 - John Townsend

In a past life I wrote and directed school plays, sometimes playing the odd part myself. I always get a lump in the throat when I discover what some of my ‘stars’ have gone on to achieve. Quite a few now work in theatre, media and the arts. If you’re one of them, do tell me. You may have been in my World War Two play called ‘An Echo Far Away’ many moons ago. I happen to know several members of that cast are now doing wonders in theatre and as drama teachers. Amazingly, that story has been reincarnated over the years. The latest version is a very simplified short story – just out in the Sharp Shades series from Ransom Publishing. Now called ‘Flashback’, it recounts the journey of elderly Bernard, who reluctantly goes back to the village where he was evacuated as a boy… to lay his demons to rest once and for all.

The other Sharp Shades title just out is ‘Death On Toast’. It’s a much shorter version of the ‘full Shades’ here. Again, this started off as a school play (or, more accurately, 95% monologue). I wrote it as a piece to stretch a few drama students over the years and called it ‘Death By Pizza’SPOILER ALERT… the boy in the story poisons his teacher (played by me, of course). Toby Burchell acted the part recently (including going on tour to a tearoom!) and fifteen years ago it was Kit Harington – of ‘Game of Thrones’ fame. I like to think my story (‘that old chestnut’ as Kit calls it) might have nudged him in a certain direction (as an actor rather than a serial killer, you understand). It’s funny how things turn out, eh?  #AMAZING!

Incidentally, I popped up in June’s edition of WRITERS’ FORUM Magazine, where I was interviewed by Phil Barrington about ‘where I write’. I’m there right now – watching a boat out at sea and dreaming about books, plays, old friends – and the next big adventure…





Sizzling Science Week

Did you know the third week of March each year is National Science Week? Many schools get extra excited about all things sciency, so it’s always fun to drop in and tell a few tales to add to the bubbling mix of fascinating science going on – especially in Essex. For almost ten years I’ve been going back to Essex for Science Week where there’s more than a whiff of wow science in the air. Last year they even arranged a solar eclipse! This year I spent a delightful day on Canvey Island at Castle View School in the Celebration Theatre with years 7 and 8, then in the fantastic library (with its very impressive student librarians). But I also found out about The Canvey Island Monster – a weird creature that washed up on the beach and got the scientists guessing. Needless to say, I met no monsters at Castle View – but an enthusiastic bunch of Accelerated Readers (many of those I spoke to are called Alfie). There was plenty of interest in arachnids (to say nothing of nervous teachers with arachnophobia).

The Sweyne Park School in Raleigh never ceases to amaze. For my ninth Science Week here, I met terrific classes in the superb library – and what fun I had (I think they did, too!). Mitchell excelled himself with a dazzling acting debut – pure pantomime. It’s not only great to see science is alive, well and sizzling at Sweyne, but also to know how much reading goes on. This library is one of my favourites and I’m always impressed at how Mrs Waghorn dreams up a cryptic science quiz each year. I wonder who worked out the clues to the puzzle and spelled out the secret message based on the elements in the periodic table. Great stuff!

Over the years I’ve visited a number of schools in Southend-on-Sea. This year I was delighted to meet a lot of sparky year 7 and 8s in the library, where we chatted about all sorts – even science! We covered a lot of topics and I was fascinated to find the science department has its own corn snake, so most people knew plenty of ‘snake science’ without any obvious signs of ophidiophobia. I met many keen readers and writers, too.  George showed me the book he and his friends are writing about ‘the shattered mirror’ and the secret message the broken shards spell out. I promise not to steal your great ideas (well, not ALL of them).

I’ll tell you what… I can’t wait for Science Week next year!